Please do not take any of the following seriously!
Well, boys. We all need to be prepared for all those women that are trying to "get all up ons." Here are 10 "must have" items for every occasion.
- A few dozen awesome photos of yourself. We all have those pictures. The ones where your hair, smile, and (let's be honest) all the lovely ladies hanging all over you come together in a bunch of sexy packages. Post them strategically all over your pad so that no matter where your lady guest is, she can't help but see and realize how desirable you must be. Keep them on your computer so you can have a narcissistic screen saver for all to see. And never, ever throw them away-- when you're 80-something it (and a few viagra) will be sure to help you recall your glory days!
- A rubber body suit. Admit it, you feel like Batman (who-what are you!?) when you slip on a nice rubber body suit. The good news is that these days, you can transform any evening into a night of adventure by wearing your rubber suit underneath your shirt, jeans, slacks, whatever. And no, it doesn't have to come with a cowel and pointy ears, even a simple rubber suit will make you stand out in the crowd for all the chicks to see. (Added bonus: grease it up for low-friction fun!)
- An acoustic guitar. What's one of the first places a girl peruses when she walks into a man's pad? The bedroom. But if all she sees is Rancid posters or classic KISS t-shirts, she's going to panic. Balance out the room with an acoustic guitar (maybe just a guitar case) and tell her its from your time when you tried to be a socially conscious folk singer until you realized that corporate greed and the male power structure would never allow your unique male-feminist vision to come to light. Crushed, you vowed never to play again. It'll show you have a "sensitive side" and can "understand" her. That's music to any woman's ears.
- A great pick-up line... and a way to blow 'em off. In this post-feminist era, we can't always depend on the chicks to just get all up ons like they used to. So prepare yo'self with the most outrageous and memorable one-liner to lay on any "do-able" chick that happens to stroll into the sports bar. Our favorite: "You look thirsty. Would you like to CENSORED?" And in case some non-do-able hag is hanging around, the more you humiliate her the better. Hold nothin' back brother.
- A few bottles of Boones. A prepared player is ready with the cheap booze any time. If you wanna make your "Tuesday night special" relax a little and loosen up, skip the expensive stuff and stick to the quick-drunk sweetness that is Boones.
- Bathroom "essentials." What lady doesn't appreciate finding a few extra sanitary napkins in the bathroom cabinets for whenever she needs them. So instead of tossing her out the door when her Aunt Flow is visiting, toss a few tampons in a basket by the toilet.
- A little black book. These days, the traditional little black book can take all kinds of different shapes. From the PDA to the cell phone, you can store the names and numbers of all your booty-calls almost anywhere. Make sure you've got it passworded and locked, though. You don't want Sheila calling up Bebe and causing any trouble. With all these chicks passing out business cards these days (what does a friggin' waitress need a business card for anyway) you are going to need someplace convenient and organized to keep them all straight.
- Earplugs. Women talk. A lot. 'nuff said.
- As many straight women on your speed dial as possible. Every guy knows a few ladies he can go to for "comfort" whenever him and his lady are on the outs. While you may be able to crash on your boy's couch, if you really want a good night's sleep in a warm bed that doesn't smell like beer and Cheetos, call a girl who is too compassionate to turn you down.
- A box of condoms. Hey guys, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have a night of spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to be prepared. You know that in the two or three hours you are going to be there, you're going to misfire about 4 times, lose your "power" at least twice, and break at least one condom. With a whole box in your coat pocket, you're sure to have at least one good go at it.
Zuke would like to thank about thirty of the dirtiest, most shameful low-life scrub players for advising him of some of the essentials he was missing.
Geez - that one went in an unexpected direction didn't it?