Disinfect THIS!

I despise cleaning my bathroom. It is an awful job. And not because I only do it once every three months or so (though I’m sure that doesn’t help). I figure, if I clean that sommamabitch once a week or once a year, it’ll be the exact same amount of work. (Think about it: I still have to scrub the shower, the toilet, the sink, the floor, the mirror, etc.) No I hate it for a number of more realistic reasons. You know what this means folks; it’s time for a list.

Why I hate cleaning my bathroom.

• Latex gloves. I know some of you sickos out there have various fantasies involving latex gloves, but for me there are few things worse than getting my hands all sweaty and gnarly inside those bright yellow mittens. And invariably, I seem to get toilet water in there anyway. Thank God for anti-bacterial soap.
• Sweat. I barely sweat when I mow the lawn. Push-ups, sit-ups, walking the dog in 90 degree heat – nothing more than a little sweat around the back and shoulders. Why is it that whenever I clean the bathroom, I start busting out in sweatiness that can only be compared to what might happen when Martin Lawrence does his standup routine in Biloxi, Mississippi? I have even tried cleaning the bathroom in varying levels of clothedness. Nothing (and I mean NOTHING) helps at all!
• Imperfection. No matter how hard I scrub and no matter what various cleaners I use, I can never get the blasted shower as pristine as they do on the frickin’ TV commercials! GAH!
• Algae. You know that black stuff growing in the corners of the shower? Do you see it there looking at you? That’s living plant matter! Algae are growing in your tub! I spent my youth in blissful ignorance thinking that it was just dirt or some non-threatening scum. But then I grew up and became a lifeguard. I learned that black stuff is ALIVE! Now, I consider that by allowing it to live, I may improve the air quality in my home (Algae are one of this planet’s leading producers of breathable oxygen), but I know it’ll be back eventually, so down the drain it goes.
• Wimpy sponges. It is hard to find a good sponge these days. They just don’t hold up. How can they? Bathrooms are made out of the hardest and most indestructible materials known. Porcelain, stainless steel, fiberglass, stone, etc. Now, normally, a sponge might do just fine, but then they have to go up against the floor of the shower. Somehow, humanity has invented a texture that a) offers algae and bacteria a perfect place to hide and grow, and 2) is absolutely devastating to the common sponge! Drat all this modern technology!