Latest Update

Here's what I'm up to these days, folks.

I spend a lot of time playing on the floor with my kid. She's 12 1/2 months now and full of energy. After a couple weeks of disruption involving an infection that made her really sick and made us really scared, it has taken me about 5 days to get her back to her usual, happy-go-lucky self. She still isn't walking all that much, but is getting a lot better at the little bit of walking she does. She talks a lot, but we still don't have much clue what she's saying unless she uses her sign language too. Still, she has multiple ways of letting us know what she wants and when she wants it, most of which involve some combination of frenetic gesticulation and vocalization. She only gets really mad when I take away something she wants (like that Sharpie! GAH!!!!) and then only for a few seconds before she spies something else (like the stapler! GAH!!!).

While she naps, I try to do stuff related to managing this little family. Laundry, dishes - yeah, I do that. Cleaning, cooking - I do that, too. I keep us on a loose budget and do my best to keep track of all the things that we are going to do between now and September when Michelle starts work in DC (get the dog to Mom & Dad, get the rest of us to Tennessee for a family reunion, get an apartment somewhere near DC and near a Metro, MOVE, go on a vacation). It's a little crazy. Oh yeah, and I'm still working on my thesis. Every so often I actually make some progress. I'm better off now than I ever have been in that regard. I hope I get it done soon. I'd love to graduate in December.

In my free time (roughly 32 minutes during the day), I play a little XBOX, watch some DVDs, and take part in fake debates on stuff like same-sex marriage and the economy on Facebook. I'm warming up for the family reunion (most of my extended family are hard-core Republicans and some are quite vocal about their right-wing status). It should be fun.

Mr. Sensitivity

That's some other guy. I on the other hand, am the big jerk husband who, for whatever reason, didn't foresee that going to Target and buying a few toys and clothes for my one-year-old daughter without her mother present and then opened them and let her play all afternoon with the new fun stuff (again - no mommy) would in fact make her mom feel miserable about missing out on these new experiences in her baby girl's life. If any of that came across snarky or sarcastic, I certainly don't mean for it to. I'm really pissed off at myself for not being as tuned in to my wife's feelings as I truly ought to be. And shit like this happens immer wieder (look it up in your German-English dictionary).

I am pretty sensitive; I can almost always tell when she's upset about something. However, I currently lack the skills necessary to know what that something is and, more importantly, I seem to lack the ability to avoid doing things that will upset/piss off/generally displease her. I don't mind pissing her off once in a while - usually it turns out good. I eventually learn something that benefits the relationship in the future. General displeasure isn't such a big deal either. We are different people and occasionally what one of us does is going to rub the other the wrong way. What I hate - HATE - is when I really upset her; when one of my many human failings butts up against her passionately felt and dearly held emotions. This feels like one of those times.

I am having difficulty being both a good dad and a good husband simultaneously. At any given moment, I can do a good job at one or the other. The thing is, I want to be a great husband. The best. I want to be a great dad. The best. But I keep getting in the way.

Bi-lingual Baby

Vivian knows a few words in at least two different languages. She knows dog, more, and food in ASL and she can say dada and book (kinda) in English. Not even a year old and bi-lingual. Heh. She also may know a few words of Tagalog, but I'm not going to say which ones. (How she picked up the curse words I'll never know, but I suspect her Lolo is responsible.) Next, I think I'm going to have to teach her German and Spanish. That shouldn't take much more than a month or two. Of course, I'll have to learn them first.

Oh, by the way, I just checked out the good ol' What to Expect: The First Year and found that the fact that Vivian runs around like a little spaz, wants our complete and undivided attention at all times except when we give it too her, and "understands the word 'no', but may not obey" are all perfectly normal things for a not-quite-one-year-old to be doing. That's a relief. On the other hand - the book assures me that all these behaviors become amplified to the nth degree as she progresses through toddler-hood. Yikes.

Facebook Blows It

I love Facebook. I think it is a great way to be in touch with people from my Mom who I don't call enough to people I've barely met but now know my life story. Unfortunately, when they changed their Terms of Service a couple weeks ago without telling anyone, they used language that implied an open ended right to use my photos, videos, etc. for whatever purpose they wanted forever. The Washington Post reported on it a couple days ago, and this morning they posted that they had changed their ToS back to what they were originally along with a couple links explaining themselves, blah, blah, blah. Point is - the whole episode skeeved me out enough to remove all my photos and all my videos from Facebook. I'll continue to post my status and links and write on "Walls" etc, but no more media content featuring my 10-month-old daughter. I'll post videos here instead and put the pics up on snapfish. If you want them, you gotta tell me so I can share them with you. Putting vids and photos here is not as easy as on Facebook, but they blew it. They had a great thing going and blew it by acting just a little to sketchy.

I put my shoes on every day now.

Last Monday I realized that one or two little things can set in motion a string of psychological effects, many of which are unintended and unexpected. Last Monday, on a whim, I decided to put on my shoes.

I purchased a new pair of shoes a couple days earlier and they didn't quite feel right. I figured I just had to break them in a bit. So I put them on. Normally, I don't wear shoes around the apartment. I stay in my socks or wear slippers. I keep my shoes next to the door and put them on when I leave. I do this in order to keep the apartment a little bit cleaner. Last Monday, when I put on my shoes, I felt differently. I felt like getting something done. I felt energized and focused.

The simple act of putting on my shoes triggered my latent and heretofore untapped potential for productivity. I made lists. I cleaned rooms. I took out trash. I did laundry. I read a book. I scheduled appointments. I did all of this in addition to my usual daily tasks: feed the baby, feed the dog, change the baby, wipe up various messes, make some dinner, etc.

I think I don't feel dressed if I'm not wearing shoes. I find it much easier to sit around on my butt watching TV, playing on the internet, or doodling on scrap paper when I'm not dressed. When I put on shoes, I feel like I have things to accomplish. As a result, a week later, the apartment is as clean as it has been in months. The dog has all his shots and claws or a reasonable length. The baby is learning to eat with her own two hands. Michelle has been fed within minutes of arriving home. I've blogged twice, written in my journal twice, my neck is clean shaven and my beard is well trimmed.

I hope to incorporate more productive activities into every day as I become more efficient. Finishing my thesis may actually happen unless I backslide terribly. For now, I'm just happy knowing that I can be as productive as I need to be to keep this little family going strong.

The World is Ending

The auto industry package failed in the Senate. A bunch of lame duck ideologues decided that the market was more important than the jobs of some 3 million Americans; that Wall Street was good enough for a $700 billion bailout, but the Auto Industry wasn't good enough for a $14 billion loan. So now it is up to the White House to use so-called TARP money to float a loan to the auto industry. Most people are sure this will happen. George W. Bush will be judged by history to be one of the worst presidents ever, and he doesn't want to pile the failure of the American auto industry on top of everything else he as screwed up.

One in every 31 adults is either behind bars or on parole (just heard this on the news). This number has been growing ever since the Justice Department started tracking it. Either more people are becoming criminals or law enforcement is getting better at catching them. Wait, what if there are just a greater number of laws to break? Don't know why this is, but I expect the number to increase as the economy continues to tank.

The governor of Illinois is a corrupt idiot whose foul-mouthed stupidity is taking all the wind out of the sails of the upcoming Obama administration. I've been nothing but happy with the president-elect's cabinet nominations and staff appointments. I believed him when promised to eschew ideology, and his appointments, many of which are disappointing to the ideological left, have not disappointed me. But this a-hole of a governor is going to leave a black mark on the next administration before Obama is even innaugurated.

And William Petersen is leaving CSI.

Oh well, at least there's some good food in the fridge and a happy baby taking a nap in the next room. Everything will be okay.

Getting Discouraged

I've lived in Connecticut for a few years now, and for the most part, up until a few months ago, I was fortunate to find Catholic parishes and communities that were stimulating, vibrant, socially conscious and intellectually honest. The pastors, chaplains and campus ministers who presided at Masses were intelligent, sincere, and had a way of making the faith which I identify as my own fresh, new and relevant to my life. But that was before I moved to Middletown. That was when I lived in New Haven and enjoyed the benefit of the St. Thomas More Chapel at Yale University. That was when I worked in Southbury and participated in the parish life of Sacred Heart Church. Here in Middletown, I am at a loss.

I began participating in the Eucharist at St. Pius X, a Capuchin parish. While things went well for a while, in recent weeks, the preaching has been lackluster, and the music has been so bad that Michelle and I decided to look elsewhere. Two Sundays ago, we went to St. John Church in Cromwell, and last Sunday, I went by myself to St. Francis Assisi Church in Middletown. St. John was no better than Pius X and St. Francis was simply sad.

All of this makes things very difficult for me.

My wife has been alienated from the Catholic Church by the oppressive nature of the more traditional and conservative liturgies, by the Church's stance on women, homosexuals and reproductive rights (to name a few). She went to church with me because she loves me and the churches we were attending were neither oppressive nor conservative in their liturgy or approach. She did not feel as alienated at Sacred Heart Church as in the parish in Northern Virginia where she was raised. The past few parishes here in Middletown have turned her off all over again. Where she once even looked forward to coming to church with me in Southbury, she now comes only grudgingly.

I never asked Michelle to share my faith. But I do ask her to accept that it is part of me and who I am. She has done this. She loves me and my faith. But she is concerned that I may not be able to pass on my faith to our daughter; that I will somehow force the oppressive of her childhood onto Vivian. I have no intention of doing this, but I need a little help. I need to find a parish or catholic community that is vibrant, relevant, speaks to the daily lives of ordinary women and men, seeks the ongoing reform of the Church, reaches out beyond its own walls, stands up for the poor, oppressed and hurting, rejects hatred and violence, has an attitude of openness and true dialogue with other cultures, denominations, and religions. Is that so much to ask?

I am Catholic. I wish it for my daughter with all my heart. I love my church, but hate the injustice it's leaders and many of its members perpetrate in the name of Jesus Christ. I pray that, as she gets older, I am able to find a parish somewhere where I feel comfortable taking my family to celebrate. Right now, I'm not finding any help around here.